Why Self-Care leads to LESS selfishness (and how neglecting yourself makes you completely self consumed)

Read both scenarios and come to your own conclusion…

Picture this-

You’ve learned of the skill of self care. And that it’s your birth right as a woman to feel loved, cherished and adored. Instead of fighting this feminine truth within you, you choose to be brave and experiment with it. 

It’s Tuesday night. The dishes are piled up but you feel tired. You fight the urge for perfection and instead go to sleep. After giving yourself a good nights sleep you wake up and make a yummy coffee. The kids haven’t woke up yet and you enjoy some peace and quiet this particular morning. You drink your coffee, some water, stretch your body maybe read a bit, and go to the mirror. Despite being used to a lifetime of criticizing yourself and hearing your mom and other women do the same, you take your coach’s advice and add “speaking to yourself kindly” to your self care list. It feels awkward, but you look in the mirror and say, “I love you. I am going to take care of you today. You’re unique and special. I love you, body. Im grateful for all the ways you keep me alive everyday. You’re beautiful.” You even give yourself a smile.  

Just then your daughter wakes up and runs to you. “Mommy mommy!” And hugs you. You just got done telling yourself how beautiful you are and as you squeeze her tight and tell her good morning you remind her of her beauty as well. She smiles at you and agrees fully that she indeed is beautiful.

Your husband now is awake. He sees you smiling and can’t help but slowly make his way to you and give you a morning hug because he’s missed your smile. He kisses you softly and instead of rushing to your next morning task - this time, you feel the kiss, you breathe into the kiss. It feels different. He feels it too. 

Getting the kids ready isn’t perfect, but somehow you have more patience than usual. You drop the kids off and head to the grocery. You don’t rush this morning thinking of all that’s ahead of you. Today you choose to listen to that song you love on the way that gets you dancing. Or that podcast that uplifts you. 

After you get the essentials, you grab some flowers from the store for your house even though they’re a little over priced, you love them and they make you happy! When you go to pay you smile as the woman checking you out. You notice her hair and tell her you love it. Little do you know, she was really struggling and you made her whole day. She tells you that and it fills your heart. 

It’s raining and on your way out the young man working there offers to help you to your car with your groceries. Despite being completely positive you can do it alone, you say sure and receive the help anyway. It ends up being nice to have someone put the groceries in your trunk as you get in and stay dry. You thank him tremendously and he feels like a hero! You made his day too. 

After the store you finish up the dishes from the night before and do some other things on your to do list. You stop mid list though to set up your flower arrangement and notice the sun has come out. You take a walk outside, get some fresh air or put your face in the sun. You make a gratitude list and realize despite the fact that life is not perfect or maybe even where you want it to be, you have a lot to be thankful for. Just then a butterfly lands on you. You admire the beauty. 

You get an idea for a yummy dinner for that evening and it gets you excited to cook. 

As the night is setting in, you greet your husband at the door with a hug and a kiss. He had a long day with lots of challenges and doesn’t tell you how much your presence just calmed him and made him happy to be home but you can see the look of relief on his face that his wife seems happy today. He hasn’t seen you like this in a while… he asks what he can do to help. You receive some help from him with the kids. 

There’s a lot to do, but you have a dinner on your mind to try out! You prepare to cook but first pour yourself a glass of wine and put on some music while you cook. It feels fun. You find yourself dancing in the kitchen.

Your husband is still not sure what to think about this happy wife of his but he walks by you and smiles and taps your butt as he passes. He decided to take it upon himself to give the kids a bath. 

Your family enjoys a yummy dinner that evening and praises your cooking skills. You say thank you! Your husband crawls into bed and cuddles you for the first time in a while. He usually retreats to his phone and scrolling while you lay there alone but he can’t resist you for some reason this night. 

You just feel… magnetic to him. 

As he holds you, you don’t think of much. You just feel. His touch. The sheets. How comfy you are. You rest in his arms. It feels nice. You realize you’re still smiling. The night unfolds beautifully. Not perfectly. But beautifully. There’s a big difference. 

You fall asleep with lots of self care on your mind and what you’ll experiment with tomorrow! This felt nice. 

Your husband falls asleep with one thing on his mind. You.

Does this feel completely unrealistic to you?

Why? Because you don’t believe it’s possible? Be careful what you are “believing..”

Your mind is always looking for evidence to prove exactly what you believe in. Thats how belief works. If you didn’t believe in something, you wouldn’t see it. But your beliefs are a choice. 

Now, let’s take this same scenario but change just a few small things.. 

It’s Tuesday night. You opt to do the dishes and clean up even though you’re exhausted. You crawl into bed and hear your husband already snoring. Must be nice. You wake up late and hear the kids already begging you for things. You’re frustrated because you never get a moment to yourself.

You enter mom mode and do everything for everyone else. Just like you always do. But it doesn’t come from a place of joy, more from a place of well if I don’t do it who will… it’s very exhausting. Your husband feels your energy and avoids you. Solidifying what you already knew. He’s cold and distant and unhelpful. 

Kids are screaming as you rush out the door.  Your patience is wearing thin and you begin to wonder who ever worries about your needs? 

You drop the kids off and spend the ride to the grocery thinking about how unloving your husband is. This thought spirals into your to do list for the day that always seems to pile up. You feel resentful. 

You rush in and out of store. You notice the flowers but couldn’t possibly spend extra money on something that will die anyways. You remember how your husband never gets you flowers. You think about your friends husband who gets her flowers. You feel jealous.

You add another deposit to your resentment bank. Life feels tough. You feel sad. You’re tired. 

You get home and begin working but somehow your to do list doesn’t get done. Cooking doesn’t sound fun but you know no one else is going to feed the family. Your husband gets home to a chaotic home and you don’t seem happy. Why would you? The kids are home and you’ve already started helping them with homework, giving baths all while cooking dinner. Can’t he see you’re drowning? 

He sits on the couch and starts to scroll on his phone. He won’t admit it but he’s scared to set you off. You’re prickly and he wants to retreat to protect himself from saying or doing something wrong so he does nothing. 

Solidifying yet another belief you already knew. He’s incapable, lazy and doesn’t care about your needs. 

How did we get here you wonder?

Everyone eats but no one says thank you. What’s new. No one ever notices everything I do.

Why am I even doing it?

I am the only adult around here.

When do I get to have some fun?

When do I get to do anything for me?

After cleaning up and putting the kids to bed, you finally stomp your way to your bedroom. Your quiet. Pouty, and would really like some attention or affection. Your husband is watching tv and making small talk… You can feel he’s trying to gauge your attitude but you think he’s a loser for not just asking if you’re ok and giving you a hug. You think he’s more of a loser for not stepping up like a man to help you. You say no and turn your back to him in bed. It would be nice to get what you want without having to ask.

He has no idea what to do. So again, he does nothing. He goes to sleep too feeling like a failure. He knows he doesn’t know how to make you happy and will just continue to retreat because he has no confidence. He feels like a loser. And knows you think that he is too. 

——————

Now, Which day sounds more realistic to you?

Which one feels more like your day to day?

Which one seems more like the selfish woman?

Do you believe it’s possible to become a ridiculously happy wife? You always have a choice. If you’re stuck there is only one person keeping you there… I gained so much when I realized once I stop trying to change things around me and instead change the only thing I can control, me… The world around me responds differently. I begin enjoying life instead of being consumed with with I don’t have, consumed with the to-do’s, consumed with my resentment, consumed with myself.

Are you being extremely selfish while actually believing you are the most self sacrificing woman there is?

Everyone’s self care, journey with these skills and day to day life will look different. But what beliefs are stopping you from becoming the magnetic, fun, joyful woman you are and have always been? 

What is stopping you from being the girl of fun and light you used to be, who your husband fell in love with? 

Are you guarding your mind and thoughts and choosing which ones to believe wisely? Or letting them take you and toss you here and there?

You don’t have to stay where you are, but you can if you want to. 

You always have the choice. 

If somewhere along the way you’ve lost yourself and now it feels like so much is on your plate that self care is unwise, selfish or absolutely unrealistic, I’m here to tell you myself, and hundreds of other women thought the same. And we are now grateful to say, we were wrong. If the way you’re living isn’t cutting it anymore and you’re ready to take back your power, there is a beautiful life waiting for you on the other side of some very small changes that lead to a big impact.  

You can’t do it alone.

I highly suggest you consider hiring a relationship coach, one who will share her story authentically and vulnerably so you can see what she did (right and wrong) and learn from her as she stands for you, your marriage and your family. 

There are also programs you can join with other like minded women and start your journey today to becoming the ridiculously happy wife you want to be and begin to enjoy life and your husband again.

How would it fit to be brave yourself and start experimenting with true self care …like right now?!

I promise the world won’t fall apart without you “doing” for everyone else :)